Speak.Life.

Never before has my life changed so much, so quickly. 

I finished finals Monday, started working as an office assistant for Eastern’s Human Resources Department on Tuesday, and substitute taught for the first time on Wednesday. I am normally a nervous and anxious person to begin with (something I definitely need to work on more), so this week I have literally been all over the place emotion-wise. Fortunately, things have gone decently well- there is definitely room for improvement, but I feel like I am slowly molding into that person I used to look at and say “they look like they can accomplish anything they set their mind to.” And in that process, I have come to realize that I have many many areas for growth. I don’t think confidence necessarily has anything to do with ability, it more so depends on perspective. As a younger person in my major who looks about ten years younger than my actual age, I have allowed my image and my age hold me back from a lot of things in the past. I feel like I am finally realizing that it doesn’t really matter how I look when people see me initially, if I show them I am capable, they will recognize that, and that starts with first believing for myself that I am capable. 

Now that this semester has ended, my college-life will never look the same again. From now on, I feel like my life is going to be a series of uncomfortable and new experiences- from Korea, to student-teaching, to marriage and a job as a first year teacher living in the inner-city. When I think about it, I find it impossible to comprehend how I will get through it all… and to be honest, every single one of those things scares me to some degree— which brings me to today…

… After I finished substitute teaching, I resorted to numbing my mind with movies and sleeping since I was 1. exhausted and 2. a little bit disappointed on how things went as a substitute, but when I woke up from my nap, I found that I felt more anxious and unhappy than I was when I first laid down. It was a really strange feeling- the kind where you feel completely worthless- and I realized that as I have experienced all of this change in my life, it became very easy for me to forget about the one thing in my life that will never change. This year was a difficult one spiritually… I often felt complacent, or simply didn’t care, and that was really frustrating. Fortunately, my God does not give up on us even when we give up on ourselves, and I believe He has been leading me through this entire year through the words of other people and many experiences I have had. He was always close by, I am just finally begin to realize what it means to truly receive salvation—- its not about believing or saying a prayer, or even wanting to know who He is, it is about willingly and joyfully submitting every aspect of my life into His hands and never looking back. 

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 

                                                         - Matthew 6:31-33

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. 

- Deuteronomy 6:4-9 

I feel like I have so much to write, but I just don’t know what to say…